Mom’s 100th

Mom’s 100th. April 17, 1921. What I have learned since she has been gone. 

I have learned that my mother’s critical heart was born long before me. Life’s challenges drew her inward, and, whatever joy might have been was now depleted. It wasn’t until I understood the ‘why’ that I was able to heal from her verbal attacks. The ‘why’ had nothing to do with me, and not necessary to divulge. 

However:

Sometimes, you have to step away from life’s anchor, to see what’s important and precious. To become ‘unstuck’, I had to be willing to move. Protect my heart, but, move my emotions; move my opinions; move my stubbornness; move my ego; move my anger and pain. You get it, I had to move…dislodge…relocate and dissolve my unforgiving heart.

I had to let go and love my mother unconditionally, even though and especially, since she passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Why? FREEDOM…to…move…on. 

Once I CHOSE to let go of all the obstacles that were drowning me, I noticed her beauty; her goodness; her generosity; her ability to make others feel special. Once I released my moments of despair, my clarity of choice allowed me to flourish, be happy, release anger, AND, forgive.

My mother didn’t always value me, but I know she always loved me. Some will say you can’t have both. I believe it depends on who, and where you place the love. Whether you’re born into family or you marry into it, you have to decide how much devaluing you will take. I could have walked away from my mother at any time, but I valued her, and that was worth being loved.

Now, in this season of my life, I have accepted that some will not appreciate my heart; some will choose to let me go, but I’m okay with that, because I have found my own value. My mother taught me through her passing away, GOD’s love and forgiveness is greater than any heartache. And, memories: the good ones survive, while the difficult memories have sunk to the bottom of the sea, gone for good.

Choose who you want in your life. It takes work to grow friendships, whether family or friend. They falter and they flourish. I miss my mother, but it took 3 1/2 years to get to this place in my heart.

Finally, during the difficult years of caregiving for my mother, I held onto, and prayed these words:

‘Lord, help me to replace misery with hope; hopelessness with faith; and, judgment with grace.’ Grace, such a beautiful and powerful word. It is by God’s grace I have a joyful life.

Happy 100^th Mom. I know you’re listening. Say ‘hi’ to Dexter.

Taking The Bait

I was going to write something happy, snappy, and positive about the New Year, but frankly, this morning I woke up with the feeling of despair and a little guilt. The despair won’t last, but it’s here today, January 6, 2015. I know the reason why, and I know the one who can heal, but right now I want a pity party. I can always make room for more at my party, but you all have your lives together, right?

I had a blow out with my nearly 94 year old mother on Sunday. Now, before you think I am the most horrible daughter in the world, you need to know that the issues at hand are not entirely mine. Should I have taken a step back and chilled before taking the bait (or not take the bait at all)? Should I have responded, not reacted (thank you Unglued Devotional)? Should I have realized I am talking to a 94 year old who is struggling with lack of independence and diminished emotional capacity? Should I have realized that my mother can be very cruel at times? Man, I could go on and on, but I blew it by taking the freaking bait. Deep, deep, sigh.

So, my word for 2015 is Endurance.

Webster’s writes: Endurance is the ability to last; stand pain, etc. The Thesaurus writes:  suffering, fortitude, resistance, perseverance, patience, courage.

Paul writes in the Bible:  2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” Paul knew better than just about anyone what Endurance meant when he wrote this letter to Timothy. He had endured beatings, prison, and eventually beheading, but he never lost sight of the finish line. His job was to tell the world about Jesus.

I want Endurance to live inside of my heart and mind, not just superficially. I don’t want to be distracted by anger or comeuppance.  I don’t need to win the battle, only the race. The battle comes from taking the bait, putting myself first. Winning the race means enduring any battle with grace and unconditional love, and not letting my ego get in the way.

Lord, right now help me to stay focused on the race. Instill in me that compassion and grace are gifts from you. Help me to show those very gifts and more to the one I have hurt, and who has hurt me. Help me to forgive, and ask for forgiveness (that’s a tough one).

one word

This has been a rough year. Sometimes, I think I am just going to run out of gas, and get stuck on some Godforsaken, no end in sight, dirt road in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Worst of all, every day seems like Ground Hog Day (the movie).

In 2013, our word for the year was opportunity. What opportunity can we glean from care giving, spousal job loss (December 2012), difficult friendships, and that horrible feeling of being trapped? Lord, what opportunity do we have to grow today? Note to self: unless you actually want the Lord to answer, don’t ask. Let’s just say he gave us lots of opportunity to grow. Good news, He helped us through each situation.

Before I write anything about my mother, you need to know that I love her very much. So don’t get your panties in a twist with what I write.

Let’s start with care giving. My mother isn’t always kind to me, and, swears that I do little for her. No need to write what I do, do for her, but it does include inhaling bodily smells, giving showers, and shampooing her silver threads of hair. BTW, we have a caregiver here five mornings per week, so I can go to work. Apparently, my mother likes the way I shower and shampoo her (not at the same time, but different days). She says the caregiver gets wet in the shower. Say what? I took the opportunity to keep my mouth shut.

Friends ask how my mother is doing, and all I can say, “I never knew the child I would have, would be my mother”. Having a mother and husband in the same house worked for several years (well, mostly). My mother drove her Honda Civic to visit my brother (see my first blog) several days a week, and her social life grew each time she entered the retirement home. At first, the residents thought she lived there, as they congregated daily in the lobby. They still liked her when they found out she got to go home. Her outgoing personality and non stop talking kept their interest (and, she provided occasional treats for humans and pets). I might have inherited the Chatty Cathy and pet treats DNA, from her.

Four years ago, my mother passed her driver’s test in February, fell in March, and turned ninety in April. Shortly thereafter, she sold her car. AHHHHEEEELLLLPPPP ME! You couldn’t hear me, but I was screaming (in my head) so loud, you could’ve seen my tonsils. Was it that important to pull dandelions by the curb, after walking down a slanted driveway, WITHOUT YOUR WALKER? `Nuf said.

In 2013, Terry took the opportunity to start a video production company. After the obligatory six months of unemployment (Obama said one year, but what’s six months). I will say that it has been incredible watching Terry fulfill his dream of having his own company, and following a passion to create memories through his view finder. Terry’s marketing skills, and prayer for guidance, provided enough work to be debt free, so far.  I, on the other hand, grew brain dead, and the 250 page book I have been writing took a nose dive, because I…have…run…out…of…gas.

2014, our word IS perspective. Not much changed in the way of care giving, Terry’s new career, my job, or NOT writing my book. The word perspective is powerful. Webster’s Dictionary states: Perspective: the ability to see things in a true relationship; and, a specific point of view in understanding things or events.  In our case, perspective meant that things are really not as bad as they seem. Other than the fact, that we hate the sound of a walker. The crunch of metal nuts and bolts hitting each other as my mother, in Hulk like fashion, pounds the hard wood floor. And no, even tennis balls cleverly attached on the feet do not help. And, our space has been taken over by the rustling sound of newspaper, along with her commentary when we’re trying to watch TV. She is MSNBC, and we are FOX News.

Let’s not forget the cat got skunked for the seventh time. We don’t know if Dexter is really stupid or really friendly.

Here’s where our perspective changed. Our dear friend’s husband found out he had cancer in July, 2013. It is now, December, 2014, and Richard will take his last breaths in a matter of days. He will leave behind, a wonderful wife, and two adopted special needs children.

Bible verse: Philippians 4:12-13: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I CAN DO ALL THIS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.

Merry Christmas, and please pray for this family.