Mom’s 100th. April 17, 1921. What I have learned since she has been gone.
I have learned that my mother’s critical heart was born long before me. Life’s challenges drew her inward, and, whatever joy might have been was now depleted. It wasn’t until I understood the ‘why’ that I was able to heal from her verbal attacks. The ‘why’ had nothing to do with me, and not necessary to divulge.
However:
Sometimes, you have to step away from life’s anchor, to see what’s important and precious. To become ‘unstuck’, I had to be willing to move. Protect my heart, but, move my emotions; move my opinions; move my stubbornness; move my ego; move my anger and pain. You get it, I had to move…dislodge…relocate and dissolve my unforgiving heart.
I had to let go and love my mother unconditionally, even though and especially, since she passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Why? FREEDOM…to…move…on.
Once I CHOSE to let go of all the obstacles that were drowning me, I noticed her beauty; her goodness; her generosity; her ability to make others feel special. Once I released my moments of despair, my clarity of choice allowed me to flourish, be happy, release anger, AND, forgive.
My mother didn’t always value me, but I know she always loved me. Some will say you can’t have both. I believe it depends on who, and where you place the love. Whether you’re born into family or you marry into it, you have to decide how much devaluing you will take. I could have walked away from my mother at any time, but I valued her, and that was worth being loved.
Now, in this season of my life, I have accepted that some will not appreciate my heart; some will choose to let me go, but I’m okay with that, because I have found my own value. My mother taught me through her passing away, GOD’s love and forgiveness is greater than any heartache. And, memories: the good ones survive, while the difficult memories have sunk to the bottom of the sea, gone for good.
Choose who you want in your life. It takes work to grow friendships, whether family or friend. They falter and they flourish. I miss my mother, but it took 3 1/2 years to get to this place in my heart.
Finally, during the difficult years of caregiving for my mother, I held onto, and prayed these words:
‘Lord, help me to replace misery with hope; hopelessness with faith; and, judgment with grace.’ Grace, such a beautiful and powerful word. It is by God’s grace I have a joyful life.
Happy 100th Mom. I know you’re listening. Say ‘hi’ to Dexter.
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